If you’ve not read my earlier post on PTSD, please read that before continuing.
Go ahead, we’ll be waiting for you.
*Disclaimer* I am not writing this blog for myself- I don’t need to vent, I don’t need to express emotions and I don’t need to whine about some boy- writing these things triggers me and brings back PTSD symptoms- it doesn’t benefit me at all other than letting me help other survivors relate to someone and bring awareness to those who can’t relate. I am writing this blog solely to help others, raise awareness and to raise donations for charity.
At one point when my ptsd was extreme, I was trying to study for the mcat. Life was basically go to work and attempt to hide my breakdowns and crying (THAT failed massively and I had to talk to my bosses about what was going on & talk about rights as someone who had a temporary mental disability- check out this link if you need to talk to an employer about your rights regarding your mental illness: PTSDhttps://www.eeoc.gov/eeoc/publications/mental_health.cfm because you DO have rights- you CANNOT be fired for a mental illness), then try to make it home which required walking by my ex’s house everyday, shovel food down my throat and then study until I needed sleep. Usually I had to ask a friend to walk with me just so they could drag me along when I started to hyperventilate. I got a therapy dog so home felt like a safe place, though it barely lessened panic attacks. I’ll be honest, I tried to take vyvanse to help me concentrate on studying at this point because the panic attacks were so bad and made it nearly impossible to concentrate- it didn’t help me study but it DID block all of the intrusive thoughts that I had like some invisible forcefield. Ps. don’t self-medicate- it can go very wrong, it just happened to help in this case.
When I took vyvanse, thoughts were trynna fly at me and they bounced right off. I felt like a badass. My heart and chest had been weighed down and filled to the brim with lead and this medication just drained all of the shit out- all of the burdening, all of the fear, all of the paranoia, all of the sorrow- and made me light and happy for the first time since I had been in that relationship. I went outside without fear. I took my dog for a walk in the sunshine and thought about how beautiful of a day it was. THAT is what it feels like to have ptsd go away.
Imagine going from this: unable to keep yourself afloat
To this: care-free and conquering your fears and burdens
PTSD CAN BE BEAT. Don’t ever doubt that. It won’t be like taking vyvanse, well, it will, but over a period of months or years. Be patient. Don’t let it get to you. If you are suffering from PTSD, you are actually disabled mentally (temporarily). Let yourself have your bad days. Look to support. Love yourself and remember that you WILL find yourself again and it’s going to be an adventure! You get to re-discover yourself, because, if you’re like me, you won’t remember who you even were before the trauma. It’s going to seem impossible, but you just need to keep on fighting. I’m a year and a half out of the trauma and I still fight with my PTSD. I see a blue car (color of my narcissist’s car) and I still twinge a little bit but it’s less and less every day- hell, that’s wayyyy better than almost passing out and throwing up when I see blue cars. Cling onto hope, my friends, because it’s there. Keep fighting. In the meantime, reach out to friends, family, hotlines, therapists, anyone who can be there, including myself (check my contact info). NEVER feel guilty for needing help, because, guess what, you are going to pay it forward. Someday, you will be the one supporting someone else. You will be the one on the other side who is there supporting someone else in need, and you’ll understand what they’re experiencing. Never give up, friends.
Check my resources page for abuse numbers, hotlines and you can also comment here and I will reach out to you- we can exchange info or just talk in the comments, but please reach out if you need it.
Cling to hope. Don’t stop fighting. Pick yourself up or get a hand to get up off the ground and keep fighting.