Step 1 in the Cycle of Abuse: meeting prince charming- What is love-bombing?

One of the first nights after I’d met him, I had been studying for a physics final. He was so nice that, even though he had his own finals to worry about, he brought me my favorite kind of pie, helped tutor me in physics, brought me chicken tendies (my fave) and stayed with me until I finished studying around 3am. He was prince charming. He introduced me to his friends, helped take care of me etc. He wanted to spend every moment with me. There wasn’t a night that we spent apart after about a week of knowing each other. I was living a fairy tale. I often questioned ‘Is this real life?’

It wasn’t.

Love Bombing: an attempt to influence a person by showing acts of affection and attention

love-bombing

The problem with Love Bombing is that you will always always always hope that the relationship will get back to that point. You’ve come to know this person as the most kind, sweet person ever, and that’s the image to which you cling for the remainder of the relationship no matter how bad things get.

Another issue with Love Bombing is that you obviously try to reciprocate acts of attention and affection- but yours are sincere and real.

So what happens? You end up doing everything for this person and taking care of them because they need it and you want to show them how much you love them and hope that this brings them back to the loving, kind, amazing prince charming that you met originally.

Clean their apartment. Do their laundry. Cook them food. Bring them food. Bring them coffee. Do their dishes. Make them doctor’s appointments. Pick up their prescriptions. Love them. Sexually please them. Make them happy. Make them loved. Make them comfortable. Make sure they know that you won’t give up on them like they seemed to have done to you after the Love Bombing phase.

You revolve around this person.

You aren’t even a person anymore- you’re an extension of them.

When they aren’t with you, you begin to panic because the most important thing in your life, wait no, the ONLY thing in your life after they’ve isolated you and made you anxious and afraid of losing them, is missing.

Let’s get one thing clear: love-bombing is a form of manipulation. It’s used to take control of the victim- it’s just the first step of the process to control your life and your being, but it is an essential step to the process.

Love-bombing and isolation happen in an overlapping manner- the love-bombing takes place and shortly, isolation begins to creep into the picture.

How else could a narcissist starve you of love or human contact other than their own?

How could you be completely dependent on them for any sort of happiness.

How else could they control your every emotion, and eventually, every action.

Let’s go through another thought processes if this hasn’t been working for you so far. Let’s take a leopard. Leopards are beautiful. They’re free. They’re flashy and independent. Leopards are admired and respected. They’re majestic. They need nobody.

The narcissist is a hunter. He sees the beauty, freedom, passion, love and independence in a leopard. He wants it as his own trophy. He wants to feel control. He wants to feel superior to this beautiful being.

But he doesn’t just want to control it by keeping it in some cage. No, that would be too easy.

He wants to take the leopard and break it. He wants the leopard to do whatever he says, whenever he says and he wants the leopard to do this of its own free will. THAT is control. THAT is power.

The hunter catches the leopard and brings it home.

He feeds it. He loves it. He cares for it. The two are inseparable.

But one day he starts to ignore the leopard.

The leopard tries to get his attention and affection again, so the hunter kicks it.

The leopard tries day after day to gain the love that it first saw from the hunter and every day the hunter kicked, hit, spat on, ignored or punished the leopard.

Then he began to show his affection. A tiny bit. Something small. Some food maybe.

The leopard is so excited- maybe things are going back to the way they were.

Then he kicks it.

The next day he pets the leopard and loves on it.

The day after that he hits it and leaves it outside in the cold.

He continued in a similar pattern until the leopard had no idea what was happening or what was real. The leopard was helpless. The leopard was confused. The leopard was at the will of the hunter. All the leopard wanted was for things to go back to the way they were originally- to see the same hunter from the beginning of their time together. But that hunter was never real. He never existed. He pretended. He’ll never come back.

 

*Disclaimer* I am not writing this blog for myself- I don’t need to vent, I don’t need to express emotions and I don’t need to whine about some boy- writing these things triggers me and brings back PTSD symptoms- it doesn’t benefit me at all other than letting me help other survivors relate to someone and bring awareness to those who can’t relate. I am writing this blog solely to help others and raise awareness about mental health.  

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